Discover Diving Folly's and Fun-Scuba Jokes

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Time to Laugh and Play.. the Scuba Way.. Enjoy!

Please send all submissions to: TinaOConnell@cfl.rr.com

You are saving your Old Milwaukee beers cans to honestly melt down into another AL 80 tank
You think nitrox is a fancy fertilizer for the garden
Your local dive shop is one half of a double wide trailer, thus the dive shop is critically located next to one side of the town dump and you live just on the other side of it, you live in the other half of the same double wide trailer
You adamantly think Trimix is a BBQ sauce that contains rum, corn squeezins, AND beer
You've ever bought any of you dive equipment at Wal-Mart
You think hydrostatic testing is one of those fancy new college entrance exams
Your weight belt has a giant brass WWF graciously wrestling buckle on it
You refer to your purge button as the "turbo skoal ejection system"
You’ve ever had any of your equipment left on land during a shore dive taken by possums or armadillos
You’ve painted your scuba tanks with John Deer green house paint
You made your fins by gluing plastic plates to the bottom of flip flops
Your first dive light was made with a lava lamp and stolen car
You’ve heard someone talking about steel tanks and you thought it meant mainly acquiring equipment without the usual exchange of monetary units
You think the term "blowout" means you'll have to be sitting on an inflated rubber doughnut for awhile
Your good working air compressor is genetically sitting atop the old, non working one..in the living room
When ever you are ideally taking your tanks apart for inspection, you have an irresistible urge to vehemently put them up on blocksin the front yard
Your lift bag looks just like a giant pink flamingo
You think a tide chart is for keeping track of when and where the Auburn football team is playing
When your wetsuit gets worn out, you don’t replace it, you get it retreaded
The first underwater hand sign you learned was the "thumbs up"which means"lets get topside and get another beer"
The second underwater hand signal you learned was to "point to your own ass with the index finger" which means "hey ya’ll watch this"
The third underwater hand signal you learned was a raised middle finger and you use it both underwater and above water quite frequently
Either you or your dive partner is named "Bubba" as written on the birth certificate
Your dive boat is named the "General Lee"
Your dive flag bears a resemblance to the rebel flag
You are building a working replica of the civil war submersible Hunely out of surplus 55 gallon drums..just in case there is another episode of northern aggression
Your dive hood has a coon tail tied to the back of it which you wear proudly
Your diving weights were made out the wheel rims you took off of your trailer and melted down
Your first dive weights were make outta used and frayed yellow ski rope and cinder blocks
Your first BC consisted of the 1 gallon milk jugs and more of the same ski rope
Your BC you use today is the same one you started out with(jugs)
Your dive boat has a front porch on it complete with dead potted plants, a full spittoon, and 3 large garbage bagsfilled with beer cans waiting to be recycled into a new tank for you.
You think manta rays are those killer beams of light that shoot out that those guns the alien invaders use in those talkin’ picture shows
You keep a 12 gauge &a spear gun next to front door in case those alien invaders ever show up
You have a dive buddy who was abducted and "probed" by those same aliens
You think dive safety means keeping the safety on when your diving with your 12 gauge
It took you 4 summers, 150 tank fills, and 6 brands of spear guns before you were able to get that 20 lb bass that is mounted on the living room wall
That bass is the biggest accomplishment of your life you are most proud of
Apparently the other bass you sporadically have mounted on the other wall externally sings "Don’t worrybe happy" if you talk or clap
You think a high pressure hose is one of those fancy garden hoses they have in the Wal-Mart lawn and garden section
You know what a low pressure hose is because you already have one leaking everywhere out in the front yard
You think a regulator is one of those gumbent guys that was always giving your grandspappy grief for externally making and selling moonshine commercially during prohibition
You think a dry suit is the legal action your buddy over in the next county is taking to allow him to sell liquor at his bait and tackle store
Your wife, sister, and mother ALL dive and it only takes one set of equipment for them to all dive at the same time
Your dive boat has a bumper sticker that says "If spear guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have spear guns"
You think "limits" for lobster means some kind of new age touchy, feely crap for disciplining them
Your pressure gauge does double duty back home on the pressure cooker
You find your spare air very handy during Mexican dinner night
You think heliox is one of those mythological Greek gods
You think decompression is French for "the educated"
You think embolism is that killer disease they decidedly have in Africa
You plan your diving vacation and schedule it around the local mullet festivals
You think first stage means you have genital herpes but the sores aren’t showing
You are sure you know what second stage means because you have the herpes sores to show for it
Your boat anchor consist of a really big cinder block with even more of that old, frayed yellow ski rope
You didn’t actually buy any of that old yellow ski rope. You stole if off of the big tree next to the ole swimming hole
You think the 1/3rds rule is for telling you how much beer your currently allowed to drink before the first dive
When someone talks about getting a good o-ring seal you imagine some kind of kinky sex act
When someone says the words "DIN fitting" you think its some kind of obscure Scottish word
When someone says "yoke", you think they are talking about eggs
You use the same tag for your boat, your truck, and your trailer
You have two dive knifes, and they are both leatherman tools duct taped to your weight belt
You think deco limits refers to how long they can legally keep you in the local slammer to sober you up
You think a dive computer is that county tax guy who comes by your trailer every few years and tells you how much your tax bill is
Your dive scooter has a gun rack and an NRA sticker on it
There are used & crushed beer cans in the empty spaces inside your dive scooter
You’ve accidentally publicly set off a gun while it was IN the rack on your dive scooter
As such your dive scooter has mud flaps with chrome naked women on them
Your dive scooter has both a CB radio and an 8 track tape player, neither of which work
Your dive scooter has a CB antennae with a worn out tennis ball on the top of it
There is a winch on the front of your dive scooter and your rich buddy has one on the front AND one on the back
There are spots on your dive scooter that consist of nothing but red primer and bondo
You paid more for your dive scooter than you did for you trailer, truck, boat, or anything else you own
Any of your dive equipment has been personally blessed by Jimmy Swaggart
You think isolation manifold is some political way of saying America should strategically stay out the rest of the world’s business
When you talk about the depth of a site..depth sounds like it has an F or two in it
In essence you’ve ever used propane bottles and the air compressor at the local Piggly Wiggly to set up a dive
You think red tide is some new commie football team
You voluntarily think DIR is the word/sound somebody is supposed to use after someone else has made any statement
You think buddy breathing is one of those gay couple things you don’t wanna know about
You think the bends is that unmentionable act that happens when guy goes to prison
You’ve had several cases of the bends, but for some reason your DAN insurance would never cover it
You’ve ever used kuzdu on your safety reel during a cave dive
You and your dive buddies do civil war reenactments underwater and each of your buddies owns more than one costume
You think the word flounder is what your truck does when you try to drive across the crick during a heavy rain
You think alternate air supply means the surface
When you go diving your more worried about alligators, cotton mouths, mosquitoes, and irate moonshiners than you are sharks, strong tides, or tropical storms
When you first heard about ice diving you couldn’t believe the surface of a body of water could actually get hard
Your youngest son was old enough to be a scuba instructor before you were of legal drinking age
The trailer you use to pull your boat is smaller than the one you use to pull your BBQ grill and both trailers have won first place at a monster truck show
You’ve won first early place at the tri county BBQ cook-off and the grill you used for cooking was made out of an AL 80 tank cut in half
When someone mentions GPS, usually you think its one of them "women things"
When you go in and ask for an "air fill on my tanks" it takes you longer to say the word air than it does to say the rest of the sentence
You think the phrase "jumpin’ the gap" refers to some military technique used by General Lee in the civil war
Laying Line sounds good to you, but you don’t know who she is or where she lives
You are always more worried about how much beer is in the cooler than you are about how much air is in the tank or gas is in the boat
Your snorkel is made out of PVC fittings and it leaks
You think dual manifold refers to a high performance carb system for your truck
You think a high flying dive flag means "race over here at high speed we've found stuff you can shoot and eat down below"
You favorite scuba tank is covered in NASCAR stickers and your second tank has a Quaker State sticker on it
You’ve quit diving with some dive partners because they like a different NASCAR driver
You think moray eel is the name of some famous Jewish guy
You think back plate refers to the second helpings you get at the local all you can eat rib joint
You use an empty plastic coke bottle to tell how deep you are
Every place you dive has one of two depths: deep and durn deep
You think conch is what happens in a bar room brawl when someone gets a beer bottle upside the head
You’ve intentionally lived on your boat on several occasions and it wasn’t in the water when you lived on it

"2 Swedes are out in their boat fishing.
As they watch divers enter into the water,
Ollie asks Sven "why do divers fall backwards to enter the water.
Sven says "well, Ollie, if they fall forward,
they'd still be in the boat!"

My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!!!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.

Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive." The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore." The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"

Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.)
During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.
It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, "That is really nice — after all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names."
Bill looked round quickly and whispered, "To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago."

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

A cheep diver bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000 pounds from his tank.
Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.

Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-power fins.
His buddy signaled: What? You can't out swim a shark!
The diver signaled back: I don't have to out swim the shark - I only have to out swim you!

A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and Jim went back home alone and heartbroken.

The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim's front door and said "I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad news, some good news and some very good news",

"Oh my God" wept Jim…… after a while he said "well, what’s the good news?"

The dive officer excitedly said "You wouldn’t believe it, when we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!"

The dive officer said "Well, we’re going to bring her up again tomorrow morning!"

Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto?

There was a bar by a lake used by scuba divers was and a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the bartender was a talkative fellow. He naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
"He's fantastic!" said the barman, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.
"When I put him down the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish.
"Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish – and that was how I got a 10" pianist!"

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs'
a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat
a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control?
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at
the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult
to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged
three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with
your buddy.

How Good Is Your Instructor?
You know more than your instructor when: -
a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag
yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

Do You Know Your Buddy?
Does your buddy hate you if: -
a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get
you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet?

Is your buddy experienced if: -
a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know
it's time to surface"?

A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. Rain and wind and huge waves pound the boat. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: here, Iron this!"

I just recently got certified in washington state on the Hood canal, and washington is well known for its percipitation. And on the first day of our trip the skies seemed to open up and dump rain on us. The vis happend to be great for washington atleast, around 50 feet but anyway back to the story we were getting breifed on our navigation dive and while sitting next to my buddy, i see him raise his hand. the instructer calls on him and with all honesty he asks,(hes serious folks) its really rainy outside, do we need to cover our P.D.C's until we get in the water? True story, you cant make that stuff up.

While performing the underwater equipment exchange during our Divemaster training, one of my classmates got all of his buddy's gear put on (successfully). Then, he unknowingly put his buddy's mask on upside down and actually cleared it and swam to the shallow end of the pool! The boy has got SKILL!!!

On my last major dive trip, I think I spent too many days on the dive boat. One evening, while in the bathroom of my lovely resort hotel room, I caught myself looking for the bucket to put the toilet paper into…